satire

The Youngest Child Syndrome

/ E Bishop Wooten / Leave a comment

I like to brag about being the youngest and only child in my family. It takes most people awhile to figure out that I am the product of a second marriage in a blended family. A few years ago, my former wife pointed out that I was a victim of the youngest child syndrome. If you want to be diagnosed with everything, marry someone with a Psychology or Anthropology degree.

Being diagnosed with the Youngest Child Syndrome led me to come up with a 12-step program for this disorder. After all there is a 12-step program for everything these days. I have yet to find a support group for this but there may be one out there somewhere.

  1. We admitted that we were powerless over immaturity and that our lives have become highly entertaining.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could help us to be more serious.
  3. Made a decision to turn our sense of humor over to God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves for new comedy material.
  5. Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being just how funny we really are, or at least in our own minds.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God take away our sense of humor that He so generously gave us.
  7. Humbly asked Him to make us more boring individuals.
  8. Made a list of all the people with sticks up their asses that took us too seriously so as to make amends to them.
  9. Made direct amends to such people, except when to do so would make it hard to keep a straight face.
  10. Continue to take a personal inventory so as not to offend a world full of stuffed shirts.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God so as to find a balance between being funny and not offending people too much.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we strive to carry this message into the world in the form of stand-up comedy.

The cursing Pope Francis

/ E Bishop Wooten / Leave a comment

I should note that I don’t curse that much; especially in a blog post. The worst words that I used were d, s, h, and b, and only then for the effect. I hardly ever use the F word, except under my breath when I make a mistake. But if it comes to using medicine to suppress my emotions or expressing my frustration, you might want to cover your ears. All things in moderation. It’s only an issue if every other word you use is an F-bomb.

Speaking of F-bomb, I remember reading this article a few years ago when Pope Francis mispronounced some Latin word, or something like that, and accidentally said a curse word.

This is by far the most liberal Pope I have ever seen. But he is still probably tame compared to the ones centuries ago. I have visited a few Catholic Churches and admit that I like the fellowship. I am not too into the hierarchy or the sex scandals, and I definitely don’t want to go through some six month RCIA program just to be initiated into the Church.

Nothing wrong with being a liberal in a social sense. The political sense is something else. Even conservatives were liberal at one time if you understand Classical Liberalism. Without the latter, none of us would be here today.

I wonder where Pope Francis has been in recent years? Whatever agenda that he has, he better hurry up since he is damn near 80. (Oops did I just post that out too loud?)

The Pope was either supposed to be the last Pope or the first Pope in the New Age. Since Eastern Orthodox Christianity and the Catholic Church split over the issue of the papal position, they might reconcile if they do away with the position.

That’s another thing that I have issues with: Calling the Pope the Holy Father. I guess I’ll stick with being a Protestant. But since I am not fond of the established church and believe that Christianity is more or less a religion built around Jesus, I am by definition a liberal in that sense. The writers and poets of the 19th century, such as Emerson, Whitman, and Faulkner, and even Thomas Paine, were considered liberals for being against the Church. Though by today’s standards they would be conservative or at best Libertarian. \

Source: https://nypost.com/2014/03/03/pope-drops-f-bomb-during-vatican-blessing/

What if Antarctica became a country?

/ E Bishop Wooten / Leave a comment

As the world soars past seven billion people, it is a constant thought on everyone’s mind as to how we are going to sustain all of these people. The world is definitely overpopulated. The chief principle in economics is the theory of scarcity; that is the belief that the world cannot contain this many people. This leads the vast majority to work hard and hoard material things while at the same time fearing an economic crash.  

There are many theories as to how to deal with the mass overpopulation problem. One idea is to stop making babies. China already limits households to two children. I can’t help but wonder what happens if a couple were to have triplets?  

Another theory is to start colonizing other planets. Since America is known as the last frontier, many Americans are bored because there is nothing new to discover in this world.  This is perhaps why we are so infatuated with space.  Is there life on other planets? If not, maybe we should find a way to start colonizing Mars next since there has been water sighted on the red planet.  

Migrating to Antarctica?

If the global warming theory persists, eventually Antarctica may become habitable. This is the fifth largest continent and already has tourists visiting during the warmest parts of the years. What if one day Antarctica became another country? That would go a long way to easing the burden of living in an overpopulated world.  

How would we go about populating Antarctica? One thing that is almost for certain; the global elite would definitely want to establish a bank there.  It would probably start with people from all over the world trying to escape oppressive governments and declaring their freedom. Then the global elite would definitely want to invade the territory and establish a bank. This would lead to the Antarctican Revolution and possibly a mass genocide of penguins.  

The Real Problem and How to Deal With It

It’s fun to speculate but however it all turns out, the real problem is overpopulation. People blame the baby boomers for this problem, but it is actually their frisky parents who came home from World War Two and started having an average of four children per household.  

Whatever the case, the overpopulation may have been a blessing in disguise. The elite were trying to turn us into robots and then realized there are a way more of us than there are of them.  

The Post World War Two generation may have saved our lives by procreating more humans than they could control. They can either kill all of us or empower us to provide for ourselves. The latter is the result of the Internet being released to the public over twenty years ago.  

Things are getting weird down there on flat earth

/ E Bishop Wooten / Leave a comment

I have heard so much bullshit the past few years that I begin to wonder if maybe earth really is flat. That title should get some attention. My new motto is “stay stupid or play stupid.”

I’m convinced none of the stuff we argue about down here is as important as we make it out to be.

Don’t believe what you hear on the news

Life is not nearly as bad as the advertising driven make it out to be. Most of society’s ills work themselves out in the private sector while most people are too distracted by politics to even notice.

They basically want the free healthcare so they can deal with the stress-induced illnesses caused by politics and their jobs.

Even Chinese people admit they don’t watch the news because these know it’s propaganda. They can’t figure out why Americans do it. And to think I went to college to be a journalist till I realized it was just organized gossip.

Practical reasons not to vote

When people ask me what party I am with, I just tell them I don’t join cults. Capitalism tends to worship money while Democracy worships the state. I heard a congressperson say the nation’s capital was even their temple!

I have no problem voting if there was a candidate that I actually liked. If voting makes a difference anywhere, it’s at the local level. Everything starts at the local level.

The basis for politics

Politics revolves around economics. Most economists are usually conservative or liberal. If there is a libertarian economist they probably have a small following. That is generally how you know something is true.

Come to think of it, most comedians vote democrat. This is probably because those overeducated wimps are so easy to roast. The only thing I can get on Republicans is sexually repressed geriatric humor.

In other news, notice in the last year and a half of the Coronavirus plandenic (not a misspelling) hardly anyone died of natural causes. What a miracle!

Also we are moving into July which is the start of Christmas season (commercially speaking). Less than 200 shopping days till Christmas.

Wine down: For the wino on the go

/ E Bishop Wooten / Leave a comment

I Timothy 5:23. . .”stop drinking only water and take a little wine for your stomach trouble and the other illnesses you often have.”

Actually I just wanted to wash down dinner and figured a glass of serotonin juice would be perfect.

Have you seen those small bottles of wine in drug and convenience stores that only cost a dollar? Perfect for the wino on the go.

I’m not worried about killing brain cells. After all they rejuvenate.

There are plenty to spare. Just read something deep and lift your IQ back up.

As the saying goes, “just finished a drink, perfect time for a drink.”